Shhh, Let Us Not Spoil this Moment With Questions

There are certain leitmotifs which have been the steady undercurrent of my young (shut up) life. They often take the form of someone attempting to disguise a “witty” (read insulting) remark by forming it into an oh-so-clever and original question. If Taoist philosophy is to be believed, one must give away what one wants to receive so I shall give earnest answers to rhetorical questions in the hope that only authentic conversations are returned to me.

No, I am not related to the Kennedy family. Ok, there might be a thread connecting us somewhere, but if there is, it is a very, very long and extremely weak one. Sorry, I can’t get you an invite to Martha’s Vineyard – you don’t want to go there anyway, it’s full of inbreds.

Obviously I am not a “dead Kennedy” or this would be a séance.

I don’t shop in the children’s section for my clothing, but I sometimes do for my shoes, which I then don’t have to pay taxes on. Who’s snickering now?

I cannot, in fact, just eat and eat and eat and never get fat. You mentioned something about a bet?

No, I do not actually have to register myself with the Police. They don’t care. An interesting urban legend and I have no idea how it got started but as my friend Ben put it, “would that mean if we didn’t register our weapons the police could confiscate them? Let me get the hacksaw; put your arms and legs on the table.”

I can show you what I would do if someone grabbed me like that, but it’s not going to be cute and harmless and you are going to hurt like hell.

No, I am not too small to be a black belt. Are you aware of where karate originated? Screw it, let me go get a map and my power point presentation.... and maybe the hand puppets....